Interesting Wedding Traditions

Found this in the "Weird and Wonderful" section of the BBC website. I thought it was a fun read, not to mention it is wedding related. Ah, I just mentioned it. I love the idea of the Hochzeitszeitung. Any of our friends and family interested in creating one for us? Anyone? The German tradition of the groom picking up the bride at her house on the way to the wedding seems much more romantic than the English tradition. I don't like the concept of being "given away" and this seems much more up my alley. I found out from my mother that my father REALLY wants to take on that father role. I still need to feel him out and see if that is true. This may be one of the areas to which I must succumb. Perhaps even more unfortunate is that we won't be walking from our Bavarian homes in our lederhosen and dirndl, romping through the beer garden on our way to the fest of beer, pretzels and sausage.



German Wedding Traditions

In most of the western world, weddings tend to follow the same pattern - white dress, tears of joy, endless speeches, first waltz for the newlyweds, and a big pile of gifts. However, marriage is one of mankind's oldest rituals, having evolved in many different places at once - and with very different customs. The differences were more pronounced before globalisation took hold, but still, each region has its own traditions, many holdovers from a time before Christianity, without which a wedding just wouldn't be a wedding. Even within Germany, they vary from place to place, and some may also be observed in neighbouring countries like Austria.

Die Hochzeitszeitung

To prevent a big drunken brawl between two clans going at one other's throats on the night of the wedding, a custom has been developed to introduce the two families to one another beforehand, and channel their energies into something more productive - poking fun at the bride and groom! The wedding newspaper, the Hochzeitszeitung, is a collaborative project by members of both families, usually the siblings and cousins, with humorous poems, anecdotes, riddles, mock interviews and ads, spiced up with the childhood pictures you don't want your parents showing everybody. The aim is not to embarrass the happy couple, more to gently tease them, and to give everyone an interesting souvenir to take home from the wedding.

Der Polterabend

'Poltern' is the loud noise made by something heavy falling down or being thrown about, and it's a good descriptor for this party, which is hosted at the bride's parents' house the evening before the wedding. Guests are not invited explicitly, but the date is casually mentioned and it's expected that everyone who wants to will turn up - neighbours, friends, and colleagues of the bride and groom, guests already in town for the wedding, or anybody else who wants to wish the couple well, including those not invited to the wedding itself. Food and drink are provided, usually in the form of a home-cooked buffet, possibly with contributions by various guests.

The highlight of the evening is the breaking of dishes and crockery on the pavement outside the house, with all guests bringing their old mugs, spare flowerpots, and hideous porcelain statuettes to smash - some will go so far as to sacrifice a toilet! The bride and groom then have to sweep up the shards together. This custom is older than Christianity, the noise serving to drive away demons. It's also often associated with the proverb "Scherben bringen Glück", now often misunderstood as "shards bring luck" - originally, a "Scherbe" meant any clay vessel, not just a shard, and having many (well-filled) clay pots symbolised wealth and plenty. Tins or other metal objects may also be dropped for the noise, but you must never smash glass - besides the danger of injuring someone, it is said to bring bad luck, doubly so if it's a mirror.

Attire is informal for this party, for the guests and especially for the happy couple. This isn't just because they're expected to do physical work, but because in parts of Germany, they'll have some of their clothes stolen at midnight. The groom's trousers are traditionally burned and the ashes buried with a bottle of schnaps, which is dug up and shared around a year later, while the bride's shoes are nailed to a wooden board.

Die Hochzeitsschuhe

Fortunately, the bride will have new shoes for her wedding. These are always paid for in cash, usually in coins. Traditionally, a girl was expected to save up her loose change starting at a very young age to pay for her wedding shoes. This tradition has mostly disappeared with the disappearance of the Pfennig, but even Euro cents are said to bring luck, and paying for the shoes in small coins, usually single cents, symbolises the bride's ability to be frugal, setting aside some of her spending money to buy nice things. It also annoys the banks, because more coins have to be minted, and the shopkeepers, who have to count all the coins - but shoe salesmen generally tend to be good sports about it.

Die Hochzeit

The marriage itself usually takes place in the morning - first in a civil service at the registry office, where just the closest family and friends are present, then the religious ceremony1 at the church. Unlike in an English wedding, the bride is not 'given away' by her father, but is picked up by the groom at her home, and both enter the church and walk to the altar together. The children strewing flower petals are another heathen tradition, meant to attract the fertility goddess with the scent of flowers when the bride and groom tread on them, as is the traditional floral wreath worn by the bride. Bouquets, on the other hand, are a relatively modern invention dating to the Renaissance, where they served to counteract the fug of bad hygiene and heavy incense in the church. For a first-time bride, they are traditionally made of myrtle.

Das Sägen

After the bride and groom leave the church2, they face their first challenge as a couple. Their way will be barred by a heavy log on two sawhorses, which they must saw through with a whipsaw. This requires their working together, as the saw only cuts when pulled in either direction. It symbolises the couple's ability to solve problems together, and is also very entertaining for the guests, as the newlyweds slave away in their best clothes with the oldest, rustiest saw their friends could find.

Der Autokorso

If you're driving through Germany and meet a long procession of cars all honking their horns, and there hasn't just been some kind of sports event they're celebrating, chances are you've run into a wedding - especially if they have white ribbons on their antennae. In some parts of Germany, the procession is stopped on the way, and a "toll" of hard liquor is demanded, to be drunk together with the bride and groom before they can go on their way. In Bavaria, the children of the village stop the bride and groom's car or carriage, and each guest pays a small amount of money to allow it to pass.

Der Hochzeitsschmaus

The marriage ceremony is usually held before noon, as marrying while the sun is still rising in the sky is considered lucky. Afterwards, all the guests are invited to the bride's parents' home, if it's large enough, or to a hotel or restaurant for the formal wedding luncheon. More guests may join in during the course of the day, for afternoon coffee and cake or for a more informal buffet in the evening, with a party to follow. Who's invited, what is served, and where the celebration is held is limited only by good taste and the budget - the bride's parents traditionally pay3 for the wedding, including accommodation for the guests invited to the actual wedding, be it in their house or at a nearby hotel. Here, quantity usually wins out over luxury - the point is to celebrate with as many people as you can, rather than provide a six-course meal for a mere handful. Children are not considered a nuisance, but are essential - besides bringing the couple good luck, they simply serve to make the party more fun, so if no close friends or relatives have children, more distant ones are also invited merely because they do.

Die Hochzeitssuppe

The first course of a proper wedding feast is a special soup, which harks back to the days when an ox was slaughtered for the wedding and boiled in the biggest pots available, making enough Brautsuppe to feed hundreds of guests - each of whom was expected to bring their own spoons and dishes, as was quite usual in the Middle Ages. A German Hochzeitssuppe consists of clear bouillon with meat, egg noodles, meatballs or marrow dumplings, Eierstich4, and green vegetables like peas or asparagus. A regional variant is Balkensuppe5, made of beef broth boiled with ginger, with small meatballs made of pork and beef flavoured with nutmeg, slices of beef, parsley, raisins, and rice.

Die Entführung der Braut

In some areas, the bride will be 'kidnapped' at some stage of the proceedings, usually during the reception. While one group of guests distracts the groom, another takes his wife to a nearby pub. Once he's noticed she's gone, he has to find her, and then get her back by paying the tab, at the very least, though some may impose additional fines such as his having to sing her a song or make her three promises. Variations include taking the bride to the place where the two first met or to a romantic location like a park. The groom's friends may help him with clues, either verbal or as written notes that he must find. It's important that the bride doesn't get bored - switching pubs from time to time is recommended - and that the couple doesn't stay gone too long so the main festivities won't come to an abrupt end. For especially dense bridegrooms, simply bringing her back after a prearranged period is probably the best course of action.

Der Hochzeitsschleier

Wedding dresses are a relatively new invention, not coming into widespread use until the 1920s. Before, a woman would marry in her Sunday best, usually a black dress or the traditional costume of her region. She would, however, wear a white veil to symbolise her purity. According to an ancient Germanic custom, which is still practiced today, the bride dances a dance alone at midnight, the Schleiertanz or veil dance, while all the unmarried women in attendance try to tear pieces off her veil, which will bring good luck and fertility. Whoever gets the largest piece of the veil will be the next to marry. This dance at midnight marks the bride's change from girl to married woman. The symbolism, in the days of virgin brides, was obvious, similar to that of stepping on a glass in a Jewish wedding.

Modern variants include blindfolding the bride with her own veil and having her try to catch the unmarried women, with the first one she catches being the next to marry, or having the couple perform another special dance to the amusement of all - dressed in nightgowns and nightcaps, perhaps, or with balloons stuffed up their clothes. After this dance, the newlyweds usually leave on their honeymoon - or retire to their hotel room - while the party goes on into the wee hours.

Hahn holen

In the Münster/Ems region of Germany, the festivities continue on the day after the wedding with a party for the guests who are still in town and the neighbours of the bride's parents. The male neighbours hang up a wreath of pine branches decorated with white paper flowers for the wedding, and this and other decorations are taken down during the party. Leftovers from the wedding feast are served, along with fresh soup - which is traditionally made from a cockerel that's been made drunk, then taken on a walk through the village with the newlyweds before it is slaughtered. For obvious reasons, this part of the custom is usually no longer practiced.

Treppe fegen oder Klinken putzen

Think you can escape all these traditions by simply not getting married? Think again! In parts of Germany, especially the northern ones, any man who turns 30 and is still a bachelor must sweep the steps of the town hall, church, or courthouse - or sometimes a bridge or the entire town square - until an unmarried woman frees him with a kiss. This tradition derives from the old belief that those who shirked their earthly duty to marry and have children would have to do the tedious chores in the afterlife.

An unmarried woman, on the other hand, must spend her thirtieth birthday polishing the door handles in her town or neighbourhood until an unmarried man kisses her. This symbolises polishing the handle of the convent door to beg for entry. In either case, the victim's friends very helpfully provide enough to clean, scattering sand or sawdust on the steps and providing an old, ragged broom, or smearing the door handles with toothpaste or shoe polish. Perhaps it is easier to just get married...

1 If any.
2 Or registry office, if there is to be no religious ceremony.
3 Now, the cost is often borne by the couple getting married, or split equally between the families.
4 A kind of savoury egg custard with nutmeg, which is poached and cut into cubes.
5 In this case, 'Balken' is a Low German diminutive of 'Ball' rather than a wooden beam!

A 19th Century Feminist Marriage

I've been trudging through Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. On my way to work this morning, I read a particularly striking passage about Lucy Stone, a 19th Century American woman who refused to accept anything less than what she felt acceptable. She lectured on women's rights and anti-slavery. She was often attacked for her political views. Nevertheless, and perhaps not without a bit of surprise, she married - a man whose ideology was akin to her own.

Zinn provided part of the "Marriage Protest." I found what I assume is the rest of it at about.com:

The following was signed by Lucy Stone and Henry Blackwell prior to their May 1, 1855 marriage. The Rev. Thomas Wentworth Higginson, who performed the marriage, not only read the statement at the ceremony, but also distributed it to other ministers as a model that he urged other couples to follow.

While acknowledging our mutual affection by publicly assuming the relationship of husband and wife, yet in justice to ourselves and a great principle, we deem it a duty to declare that this act on our part implies no sanction of, nor promise of voluntary obedience to such of the present laws of marriage, as refuse to recognize the wife as an independent, rational being, while they confer upon the husband an injurious and unnatural superiority, investing him with legal powers which no honorable man would exercise, and which no man should possess. We protest especially against the laws which give to the husband:

1. The custody of the wife's person.

2. The exclusive control and guardianship of their children.

3. The sole ownership of her personal, and use of her real estate, unless previously settled upon her, or placed in the hands of trustees, as in the case of minors, lunatics, and idiots.

4. The absolute right to the product of her industry.

5. Also against laws which give to the widower so much larger and more permanent interest in the property of his deceased wife, than they give to the widow in that of the deceased husband.

6. Finally, against the whole system by which "the legal existence of the wife is suspended during marriage," so that in most States, she neither has a legal part in the choice of her residence, nor can she make a will, nor sue or be sued in her own name, nor inherit property.

We believe that personal independence and equal human rights can never be forfeited, except for crime; that marriage should be an equal and permanent partnership, and so recognized by law; that until it is so recognized, married partners should provide against the radical injustice of present laws, by every means in their power...

Amazing, isn't? I find those spaces where the "oppressed" find their voice simply fascinating. Surrounded by like minded people, she did things as her conscience dictated. She even kept her name. There is now a group devoted to that choice, called the Lucy Stone League.

Over one hundred and fifty years later, I still have to explain myself when I tell people that I am not changing my name. I wonder what Lucy Stone would say about that.

Please Don't Stop the Music

Music. One of the essentials of a good party. I remember when I lived with my former roommate and we would compile the list of itunes to make sure that we had the perfect ambiance. For example, we might start with sort of chill Rat Pack diddies or a little Bossa Nova. This allows for nice background music as one is still sober enough to have real conversation. Later on, we might usurp said conversationally appropriate melodies for the latest top 40 hits a la Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and Rihanna. This would be followed with one or two of our newest danceable discoveries such as Queen's "Free" or Bowie's "Golden Years." Ah, and the 80's music. I almost forgot the 80's music. That would have been blasphemy! The point is fun - sheer, drunken, dancing fun. Prior to the contributions of the invention gods at Apple, we would pick out the CD's that we wanted to play on our stereos and guests would often take over the dj'ing at will. It would all ultimately end in a Andrea vs. Samia room battle of the dancing.
And we had the BEST times.

Now, Arthur and I are on the hunt for someone to DJ the ultimate party. My groom-to-be has contacted many of the local DJ companies and they have given us price quotes and packages (free sunray light anyone? Wait. Anyone know what a sunray light is?). Ok. Great. How do we decide? How do we know without actually going to an event that the DJ is working, whether or not these people will be any good? I can read testimonials 'til I'm blue in the face. I'm pretty sure none of these companies are going to showcase the negative reviews, which talk about how nobody danced or how attendees left early.

When Arthur first mentioned the ipod idea, I'll admit that I was against it. I thought it might seem cheesy. The more I think about it, though, the more I like the idea. I like that we can painstakingly pick out the songs that we want to be heard and enjoyed and danced to without fear of rebellion by DJ I Know What is Best or DJ That Music Should Never Be Played. We have found only one DJ company that will rent equipment and take care of the ipod at a reasonable price. Unfortunately, that DJ is New Jersey based. This leads me to wonder, why is that industry so behind the times? And why must we pay a month's rent for someone to play their itunes?

Should We Have Just Eloped?

Sometimes I feel that we made the wrong decision to go forward with a somewhat full blown wedding. When we first spoke of getting married, we discussed just going to city hall to get married. We thought, let's keep it simple and then have a great party after the deed. Yet, as we began making plans, it seemed less and less plausible to have a party in which we invite all those that we wanted to invite without renting a space for the event and all that comes with it. So we went ahead and found a venue we both felt comfortable with and ultimately we were/are happy with our decision. Yet there are times when I feel that it is a mistake. It isn't a mistake for Arthur and I to get married. And it isn't a mistake for us to wish to share with those we love this symbolic ceremony of our commitment to one another and to our future. But was it a mistake to try to throw a big ole wedding? We have tried out best to keep the costs down. While we will have no florist, no limos, no crazy wedding halls, no ornate decorations, it still adds up to a sum that leaves me slightly dizzy and with a nagging feeling of fear. Should we have just tied the knot A la Sex and the City, saving what money we have (damn you Lehman Brothers) to put towards our future? Probably.

And we probably shouldn't have hired a wedding planner from Platinum Weddings. Oh, well...

Coming Soon to a Wedding Near You...

Arthur and I actually did a really good job of getting certain things crossed off our list last month. We finalized hotel accommodations (I still can't get over how few hotels there are in/near Stony Brook), registered, finished our wedding website at idofoundation.org gathered addresses, ordered Save-The-Dates, sent most of them out (admittedly, some of them were returned to us and/or never made it for some weird reason and some of them have yet to be sent), and worked on the centerpieces. We did all of this from the end of February to the end of March. Not bad for a couple of slackers!

Now, we (take that as the royal form of the pronoun because we all know it was Andrea) have set the following tasks to be completed by the middle of May.

1) Pick out wedding invitations (Arthur suggested pigeons, but anyone who knows Andrea knows that won't fly (forgive the pun))
2) Find a DJ/Figure out if the IPOD is the way to go (ARTHUR!)
3) Figure out welcome/rehearsal dinner situation (I don't think there will actually be a rehearsal)
4) Find out about contributions from the Carlson side of the family (ARTHUR!)
5) Get our passport situations sorted (mine has expired and Arthur needs one)
6) Visit a travel agent (fun!)

Wish us luck. Arthur may need some extra wishes.

Wedding Center Piece Violence

We are attempting to DIY our table centerpieces. My original vision for the centerpieces were hurricane lamps somehow surrounded by pumpkins, leaves, and other October goodies. Continuing with the whole autumnal, Eastern Long Island, Harvest theme, we are going with oranges, greens and dark reds. My mother found these fantastic and cheap miniature pumpkins at Target. Then we went out and bought different styles of glass hurricane lamps from Michael's and AC Moore. I handed over the task of making prototypes to my mother. When I went home last weekend, she had come up with some wonderful models. Upon looking at them, we unanimously decided upon one in particular (at least we are going to try to stay in that vein). However, when Arthur and I came home from My grandfather's birthday dinner that evening, one of the prototypes had exploded.


At first, we thought that the cat had knocked it over, but as the stand had not moved, nor had the other centerpieces budged one iota. It was like it was angry that we hadn't chosen it. Perhaps we'll surprise all of our wedding guests with exploding centerpieces? I wonder if the Three Village Inn has a policy about that?

Read a brief blog post today on mingling feminism and matrimony. Check it out.

This One is For You, Kid

A quick shout out to Z__. I know you were concerned that you would somehow make it into the blog on a negative note, but how would that be possible? Your wedding was great! Not only was it obviously meaningful for the two of you, but it felt relaxed and real. The food was great. I think I went back for fourths! You looked beautiful and happy, your groom was obviously over the moon. This particular guest, who did not know that many people and had not even met you before the evening prior, had a truly wonderful time. It is what a wedding should be - an intoxicating celebration of love, commitment, family and friends.

Oh. And I'm sorry about the stage at the Cat's Meow. ;)

6 Months and Counting...

Everyone said it would be here before we know it, and boy oh boy, the last six months have indeed flown by!

So what wedding news/weird thoughts/better late than never insights have is there to report? Read on!

First, as previously reported, my dress is in. Mom, Judy (my aunt) and Sarah (my 8 year old cousin and flower girl) trekked on the LIRR with me last Tuesday to RK bridal. It seemed like a rather silly task to me at first. I was just going in to say, "yup. That's it. That's the dress I ordered." It WAS nice to try it on again. Instead of it being some floor model, it is mine. I still love it. It is still simple, elegant, well-fitting (except for about 5 inches to hem and maybe some cups to put in...shhhh...it's all me, baby) and appropriate for me. I had to say good-bye to it, though. I probably won't see it again for four months. Ta ta for now, beautiful dress. I need to decide by August if I want to add some color to the dress with a ribbon (sage perhaps). Lately, though, I'm thinking that I will just put colorful flowers in my hair and get a colorful necklace. Maybe something like these:







If anyone has any ideas, be sure to let me know!

Besides that my mom tried on some dresses (we really think chocolate brown might be HER color). Sarah tried on some adorable dresses, as well.

Speaking of wedding party dresses, I feel in a bit of a dilemma. I thought I was being super cool with telling my two best ladies, special wedding friends and my flower girl (there's got to be a better name for that role, no?) that they could wear whatever they wanted. My aunt is concerned that Sarah's dress will clash with the dresses of the best ladies. I don't feel like that will happen. There will only be three of them standing up there and the more color the better. Ultimately, the dresses should be what each person participating wants to wear. I asked one of my best ladies if she WANTED me to give her a color. She didn't seem to mind either way. If they do all wear the same color (because they want to), then I feel that the men should at least have matching ties (not necessarily the same color as the women's dresses), but there should be some sort of cool contrast at least.

A special women's meeting (or at least telephone survey) must be called so that we may lay this issue to rest.

I fear that this may make me look indecisive (and anyone who knows me knows that this is very often the case), but I HAD decided that I did not want a uniform, cookie-cutter looking bridal party sporting duds that they hate, spend a lot of money on and/or will never wear again.

I am decisively against the wedding machine! Unless, of course, my best ladies want to be uniform. . .